


why do kids have to die alone?

by Queen_Of_Sarcasm



Series: Just Little Boys Playing Dress-up [9]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Child Neglect, Dissociation, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flower Symbolism, Found Family, Hurt No Comfort, Hybrid Alexis | Quackity, Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Refrenced Violence, Major Character Injury, Manipulation, No Respawn AU, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, POV Second Person, Physical Abuse, Realistic Minecraft, Sad Ending, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), This one gonna be sad I am saying it now, all of this is in the roleplay, mentions of manipulation, no beta read, respect the actors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28213116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Of_Sarcasm/pseuds/Queen_Of_Sarcasm
Summary: "Echoing where my ghosts all used to beOh my, oh myThere's still cobwebs in the cornersAnd the backyard's full of bonesWon't you stay with me, my darlingWhen this house don't feel like home?"- Curses by The Crane Wives--------------------------Character studies of all the "kids" on DreamSMP.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Jack Manifold & TommyInnit & Toby Smith | Tubbo, More Relationship Tags to be Added, No Romantic Relationship(s), Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Series: Just Little Boys Playing Dress-up [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951354
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	why do kids have to die alone?

**Author's Note:**

> This first one is Tommy! Warnings for all of the classic Exile Arc stuff aka suicide, self-hatred, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc. This book is basically in an AU where Tommy actually jumped off the pillar and how that sends waves out into the entire server, and this AU is also to show how the kids on this server just need some fucking therapy. Anyway, enjoy this first chapter!

_ “why do kids fall from the sky?” _

Up here at the top of the world, the craters below look tiny (your new home was small, to begin with unlike anything else you had made before).

You wish that you wore more than a torn-up t-shirt but you never learned how to be prepared for the cold. Your old home was always warm, it never snowed, so you never even thought to get a coat. You remember that Wilbur had a coat, but you don’t know where it is now. You guess that he was probably buried with it (you never knew where he was buried, you never thought to ask).

Ghostbur hasn’t visited in a while, you know that it has probably only been days, but time seems to stretch forever now. He helped keep you happy with his crystals and constant smiles. He seemed a little sadder when you last saw him, you know that he and Fundy weren’t really talking much when you left. He isn’t Wilbur, but you think that he is better now (you know that you are lying to yourself but you are used to being lied to).

You look to your side and see the ocean leading all the way out to the horizon. The water is a clear, crystal blue, the same color that your eyes used to be. The last time you looked into the ocean and saw your own reflection, your eyes were a bitter gray. Your hair was muddy, you know that Phil would have freaked out at your dirty appearance (the only type you were clean was when you woke up every morning, farther and farther out at sea).

Phil hasn’t visited once since you were exiled. He didn’t talk to you once since he arrived in this world, he was either working or somewhere else that you couldn’t find him. You and he always looked the most biologically related, except for the wings of course. He was your dad, and you wish he still cared about you as much as you cared about him (Wilbur raised you, he was more your caretaker than that man ever was).

You are brought out of your thoughts by your burns aching. Dream blew up Logstedshire because you kept things from him and you ended up getting caught in the blast. You have been in explosions before so the initial pain didn’t hurt, but you know that burns hurt for hours afterward. The pain is also muted by the fact that you know that you deserved them because you didn’t do what Dream wanted (you shouldn’t have to live according to someone else’s ideas of your worth).

Dream is your only friend. He was the only one who visited you during your exile not out of pity, but because he cared about you. He didn’t blow up your stuff every day, but that was only to keep you from rebelling and you are fine with that. You can understand why he wants to protect everyone else from your destructive ways (he is scared of you because he can’t control you, or at least, he used to not be able to control you).

Techno has only visited you once. The bastard blew up your home and tried to kill you and your friends, only to tease and brag to you once you were exiled. He wasn’t always cruel, he was kind to you when you were younger and you knew that he loved you. You know that he doesn’t love you any more that is for sure (he still loves you, the voices just got too loud).

None of those men matter though. You don’t want to think about any of them in your final moments, they didn’t care for you. Ranboo was your true friend in the end. You haven’t known each other long but he has been by your side this entire time. He never told you how to be, he just cared about you for you. You apologize to him for having to leave (your name will be etched into his journal because he desperately doesn’t want to forget you).

You used to call Tubbo your best friend, and despite how much you know you shouldn’t, you still do. You know that he doesn’t care for you anymore, but you still care for him. He was your twin and the second half of your soul. You hope that he will be able to move on once you are gone, you are pretty sure he already has (he won’t when you leave, he will break even more than he already has).

There are others that you want to apologize to. Niki, for being the best older sister ever (she will cry for days but afterward, she will murder that green bastard). Jack, for being your friend and the perfect match for you and Tubbo (he will not know what to do once you are gone, he won’t ever truly accept it). Fundy, for being an older brother (he will go numb, at least, even more than he already has). Quackity, for giving you a bit of laughter in the end (he will pour himself in his work, he won’t sleep). You want to apologize to all these people for leaving them behind, but you have to go (and you try to bury your guilt over Eret, who you considered an older brother once but you got so caught up in your anger that you left them behind. They will miss you so much).

But, you forget about everyone in this moment at the top of the world.

You know that despite how you have tried to hide it that you have been slowly dying out here alone. You have barely slept or ate, any wounds that you have gotten from mobs (or Dream) have been poorly taken care of, and you have gotten more and more… cold. Wilbur described that feeling of emptiness as being cold, and you have never been colder (perhaps that bitter chill runs in the family).

At the top of the world, you are alone. 

At the top of the world, that cold nestles itself into your heart like it has made itself a home in your loneliness. It tries to invite you inside, whispering to you with a shallow voice that nothingness is more like home than tall wooden fences and a poorly-made tent is. It says that the void will love you and that you can’t feel alone in the expanse. You don’t have the energy to say no (arguments against higher powers used to be your favorite pastime, you even killed God once).

At the top of the world, you know that no war can’t hurt you from here. You know an arrow shot wouldn’t reach and that a sword slash would make it through the atmosphere’s thick air. You have fought from this altitude once before at the top of a white stone tower during the war for L’manburg’s independence. It feels like that was a full lifeline ago and you don’t know if that is good or not (you try to not remember what happened afterward; you try to forget blackstone walls, empty chests, shining white eyes, and a button).

At the top of the world, you look at your own shaking hands. You see the scars that riddle them from foraging, training, battles or just from regular life as a kid. You wish that you could be a kid again and that you could be innocent from the horrors of the world. You wish that you could wake with your twin by your side and that you could know that your family and friends still love you (you are still a kid, you are just one who had to grow up way too fast).

At the top of the world, you truly wonder why everyone left you behind. You know that you can sometimes be a little loud and annoying but a lot of people are, you don’t why everyone hates you for it. You guess that it is probably because you don’t think before you act and that you are cruel to people who cared about you. That is at least what Dream told you (you are perfectly fine just the way you are, you just had some adults who couldn’t get their own heads out of their asses).

At the top of the world, you look up at the night sky above and see the darkness in between the stars. It looks like a reflection back at you and you almost swear that you can see your own reflection in the darkness. You remember Tubbo telling you about how in space, you will suffocate and self-explode in just a couple of seconds. You feel like you are in space right now, and that your heart is about to explode into a million pieces (the darkness shines in your eyes, all of the light gone from your soul).

At the top of the world, you look at the night sky above and you also see the stars that litter the darkness like glitter. Each of them glowing with their own slowly dying hope that someday a planet will circle around them so that they create their own solar system. You can still trace the constellations from memory of where they are permanently etched into the sky. You also remember Tubbo telling you about how because all of the stars are so far away, some of them might actually be dead but we are just seeing their image from thousands of years ago. You think that everyone still sees the old you that exists instead of how you are now (your eyes used to shine like the stars, where did that light go?).

At the top of the world, you see the night sky and feel at home in its infinite expanse.

You stand up at the top of this man-made pillar with your feet at the edge. You bring your hand up to your neck where the compass rests on a silver chain. You look down at it, the enchantment shining a light purple glow onto your face. You slowly rub your finger over the etching of “Your Tubbo” on the edge and a small smile spreads across your face. You use your other hand to wipe away the tears that are pouring down your face (you are crying because something deep inside you wants to at least make it to eighteen).

You grab the photos in your pockets. You only managed to save four that weren’t completely burned in the explosion. The first one is an image of New L’manburg in its current state, you are happy that you at least got to see it once. In the second image of you, Jack, Fundy, Niki, and Quackity all sitting in Niki’s bakery with huge grins on your faces, you can still taste the sugar on your tongue. The third image is of you, Techno, Wilbur, Phil, and Tubbo when you were younger, you wish that you could be a kid again and still be happy. The last image makes you pause for a moment. It is you and Tubbo playing in your flower field. Bees swarm around both of you and you both wear flower crowns in the bright sunlight. You can still smell the honeysuckle and you smile at the memory (Phil used to tell you what flowers stood for, you remember that honeysuckle stood for devoted affection and bonds of love, you think that is pretty ironic).

You clutch the photos to your chest and smile at the moon above. You let out a deep breath as you let your eyes close, the world getting to seeing that shining blue for the last time. The tears continue to pour down your face but you, for once, don’t wipe them away. In this moment, you let yourself be scared of what is to happen, you let yourself show that you are just a kid who wanted to make himself a home (that is all you ever were, they just didn’t see it).

You let yourself have one final moment of quietness before you take a step off (not even a sound as you leave).

The wind rushes past your ears but it becomes white noise as you fall (your sobs became white noise a while ago).

You can almost swear that you see a woman float down to rest her hands on your cheeks as you fall (an adult who cares about you as you fall). 

You whisper thanks to her and are happy that you are going to get to see her. You wanted to see Clara the spacewoman not just in your dreams anymore (you just wanted to free).

You smile as you just clutch your photos and compass closer (they were home once).

You are gone before you hit the ground.

(There isn’t much of a body left to bury so they just plant a flower patch of honeysuckle in L’manburg).

(It has a perfect view of the stars at night).

(I think you would have liked it).

**Author's Note:**

> If you are crying, that was the point :). Anyway, the next chapter might take a while, motivation is a bitch. Also, kudos and bookmarks really help me, and comments are my lifeblood so please at least consider all of that shit. Okay, see y'all soon, more angst is on the way!


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